Pray for things that will make you more like the Most High. Seek Him and His kingdom above everything else. Pray for the things you need of Him to fulfill your calling in Him, or to realize what that is, or to do His work here on earth. Our reward is in heaven, our reward is heaven.

      Set your mind on things above and there is where your heart will be.

 ⁸ Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. ⁹ The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,”^[a] and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”^[b]10 Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

 ¹¹ And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. ¹² The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. ¹³ Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. ¹⁴ Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.^[c]

Did I Mention for a moment, I became an artist.

Well not really but me and my cousin Brittney came pretty damn close.

     It’s odd the things that can happen over time. A caterpiller becomes a butterfly, Pluto is no longer technically a planet, Children become teenagers who turn into adults. And you meet someone and over time come to care for them very much. I think about the old ones sometimes. Think about how real it was and how painful it was at times. How foreign to me this all was and still is. I miss them both, wrote about them both, think about them both from time to time and wonder if this will become as awful as before. What did I do wrong last time and will I mess it all up again? I wish I knew, and want to find out but is it weird to ask the ex so I can be more prepared with my love now? Is it weird for all of us to hangout together the past and present, Happy for both to be a part of my future. Is that selfish to want it all? 

    All I know is, Im happy, and am somehow making someone else happy. Truly happy. How is that real? This girl with nothing to offer, no future no real life, no knowledge or wisdom. and I can fuel someones emotions in a positive way? Maybe I should give myself more credit… Maybe I should just stop being so insecure and just accept it… Theres always someone else there in the back of my mind, and I miss her in a way Ive never missed anyone else, its not like shes gone anywhere. Still in the same places as always, still in my thoughts, always in my prayers. I hope she knows how much she means to me, I hope he know how much he means to me. I know I made the right decision. I know things must move foreward and time cannot go back. But I wish it would just sometimes freeze, at least long enough to soak in the moment. Let it become apart of your very being, and stay with you forever.

I spend too much time on wishes and daydreams. Back to reality young lady. Back to the real world that I dread so much. The world of the physically conscious but sleeping souls. Im making such a big mistake here and I wonder what the lesson is going to be after this mess. After I come to my senses and realize this is the wrong way to go. I love how I always have to find out things the hard way.

.Griffith Observatory.

Swing pendulum swing

Make light and time

bring forth truth in

lonely eyes.

     If there was a way i could live in two places at once I would live anywhere where where theres Warm weather and id live here too. I miss the summer days, the sense of freedom the warm nights bring. Im reading “The Giver” by Lois Lowry which is a childrens book that was my favorite in elementry school. I remember reading it and really understanding the charachter Jonas. Always having that feeling of seperateness from his community… Never satisfied with the way life was and incomplete knowing theres more in the land just beyond. Im not talking about the spiritual land beyond but the physical place just outside of where he lives, the mystery of the unknown. The place he was drawn too when everyone else was content with their “sameness.”
      Maybe im just too big a dreamer, always feeling like theres something out there for me that I will never find here, but then again maybe im just not looking hard enough at the places and people right in front of me. I keep having this feeling God is telling me this is all temporary, he has been preparing me for this my whole life but the posibility of what “this” is still eludes me and im losing all momentum slowly but surely. Alot of really good Christians can open the bible to a verse that is speaking to them and after time after time of opening and closing the same book thats never happened until one day when I woke up to do my morning reading I opened to Proverbs 8 “Wisdoms Call” and nothing could have been more perfect, and a few days later I opened to read the passage and it spoke to me even directly then before… and i read Proverbs 6:6-11 and have a feeling Hes telling me to get a move on the opportunity is waiting… “Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, It has no overseer no ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. How long will you lie there you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands at rest- and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” haha and I wonder what Hes trying to say. 
    

    I wish I had the ability of speech. So many thoughts running through this mind of mine its a wonder I haven’t gone crazy… well any loonier then I am now i guess. Three more years at the same desk job… I think He means to show me perseverance and humility. Mostly perseverance. I pray for those weak like me. To someday be free of the constraints of the mind and let the spirit run free. The Mind can take you so far but its the spirit that will lead you in the right direction and guide you safely. I pray for perseverance, wisdom to make the right choices and the ability of unconditional Love.
      I wonder how nobody notices how we have more then we can ever need, more then we can ever ask for in this life, More and More and Quicker and Quicker… instant gratification, yet everyone is still so depressed then ever before, more people as a whole just sadder by the day. Someone will buy a new Plasma tv, The best new computer, The sweetest phone out with eveything at your fingertips, but when that concept of “new” fades away, where is the happiness. Maybe less really is more. less money on technology and recreation and more time with well.. time… time to love and laugh and give and share and just be. Why is everyone always so damn busy and its considered odd just to be. The world is falling at an incredible rate our heads all dizzy never able to stay in sync with everything speeding by us, newer newer newer faster faster faster now now now…. The term investmet to me has grown a stigma, when i think investing i think bankers, schemes for money, long term goals turned into profit for someone else while my chances of benefiting go down the drain with the economy and all in it. 
     Investing: “defined as the act of investing; laying out money or capital in an enterprise with the expectation of profit.” (ah just as i thought!) where does the value go in that? When wisdom calls he says “Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather then choice gold, for wisdom is more precious then rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her.” That leads me to think… people are directed where to invest their money, their capital, and their bonds but where are we being directed to invest our time? Into shopping, tv, partying, and the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. Not to sound so Mother Theresa but what about the children, the elderly, hopeless, and poor, The starving and lonely… Where are we putting most of our efforts and investments? Into the world of Man… The world of Banks and Clubs or into Gods world, where you love your neighbor as yourself and seek wisdom and truth instead of riches and fame. Yet I know people do think about this, something always in the back of someones mind, the knowledge that there needs to be change, that there are the hungry and the lonely, but then with the flip of a channel its back to Snookie and which World leader is ina scandal today.
   I wish I had the ability of speech, the ability and courage to make the blind see, to help the lost to find their way. To bring us up as a people and simplify the right from wrong because to be honest, everthing has become more complicated then need be. I know the peple are willing to help, willing to do something for the greater good, but just where are their opportunities… i think given the proper circumstances and opportunity people may just suprise me yet. Just when I was losing all hope in The country we live and in humanity as a society I have become pleasantly suprised with things I am seeing lately, realizing there is hope you just have to look in the right places.

“You may say Im a dreamer, but Im not the only one… I hope someday you will join us… and the World will be as one.”  -John Lennon

Nostalgia

 Music how I love Thee…

When your a child you get to have your security blanket, Your doll to make yourself feel safe and whole. When you reach a certain age it gets taken away. All the sense of security and wholeness are lessened. What do we as adults get to hold on to.. Our Jobs.. College… Family.. but what about the US? The Me? Where did that sense of security go? The sense of freedom and Mystery…If only God can judge me why am I so judged by those around me and Why do i judge myself?
     Where is the security blanket when I need it the most? At this age when your more unsure of the decisions your making then you have been in your whole life. When the decisions today don’t just determine the outcome of whats going to happen tomorrow but months and years from now. All the pressures of Family, Society, Determining your own self worth by the lives of other people. 
     I have two stuffed animals Ive had since practically birth…they reside in my closet just there…. and it reminds me of something I learned in church… half the time to be special or make something special all you have to do is show up. Just being there makes that much of a difference. When you feel lost or slow or crazy, its always nice to just have someone there even in silence when words can’t express how your thinking or how you feel. Thats part of just showing up, just being there. God is always there… he shows up but often were looking elsewhere for the comfort and solace we miss the love right infront of our faces…
     I miss the freedom and Ignorance being bliss, “I miss the playground and the animals and digging up worms” I miss tomorrow being a mystery and every action becoming history. I miss my security in this shadow of a society. I miss my friends more then they’ll ever know. But love them More then they can ever imagine.

    And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is Love. -1corinthians:13:13